Go to work. Gather invoices, schedule meetings, post and respond to social media, arrange catering, etc. etc. etc. It can feel tedious. What do I even accomplish? Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for my job. It's given me some great opportunities. I'm still learning, and I get to work with some terrific people. But I don't think it gives me the long term personal fulfillment I need. Or maybe I just need to look at it differently, with better perspective. Will any job give me a sense of personal fulfillment? Or will it always be "work to survive?" I think I used to be a very ambitious girl. I was meticulous with school at times. I used to want to be a communications specialist working for the government. I was so idealistic. That isn't my dream job anymore. I've considered a few other things, but I don't think I've truly settled on any one thing.
While my mission was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, I remember feeling such a passion for my purpose.
I thought about the official "My Purpose" recently. I hadn't thought about it in quite a while! I used to recite it every week. My mission president even requested that we wear it behind our name tags.
My purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.
I imagine this purpose relates to motherhood as well. I hope I can feel that passion filled purpose again. I have faith that I will.
But another part of me says: you don't have to wait until you're a mother to have purpose in life. You know, the "find joy in the journey" concept? I think I suck at that. Part of me thinks that being a mom would "solve" some of the issues I face: not fitting in, giving me greater purpose, etc. And maybe it would in some regards. But parenthood also brings along a whole other set of difficulties.
I know that the overarching purpose in life is to learn to love better. Love those around us better. Love God better. Love ourselves better. Sometime I get so caught up in the details that I forget love is what it's really all about. I think my inability to let people into my life quickly slows down my ability to have meaningful relationships. As I've said before, change is hard.
On a brighter note, I saw this quote on Facebook today:
“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”
― Sherman Alexie, The Toughest Indian In The World
I so grateful to my dear husband for choosing me. And sticking with that choice. Emotional episodes and all. I love him so much for that.
There is something powerful in our ability to choose. Choose the better part.
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